Sunday Nights are possibly the most depressing time of the week. So much so, that me and my friend have coined the term "Sunday night vomits" (SNV) to describe that sinking, sad feeling that starts to set in around 4pm on Sunday afternoon. For some people Sunday nights are the pinnacle of the weekend - quiet time and takeaway for couples, or family time and Disney movies for the rest. Personally, Sunday nights put my life into perspective and in recent years have been, quite simply, hell.
I start the weekend each Friday afternoon full of excited anticipation of what the next 48 hours may yield - 2 full days of (hypothetical) fun. But week after week as the weekend starts to erode and reality sets in, I feel the sadness start to engulf all sense of rationale which turns into anger as the night drags in a slow, sleepless haze. And the internal dialogue which goes a little as follows:
Maybe i should pop some sleeping pills? but then I will start Monday groggy and tired. Well then, maybe i should take tomorrow off? fat chance stupid girl - you have a million things to do and plus, what a waste of a day. I cant believe he hasn't called me back. What a fucker. i'll teach him what delayed response means...
and on it goes.... I hate Sundays.
Soundtrack of the Day
One Life Away - M. Ward
Silver Lining - Rilo Kiley
The Shining - Badly Drawn Boy
The Naked Trusth - Metropolin
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Friday, December 26, 2008
Optimism
I have been thinking a lot about optimism recently. More precisely, my question is this - is optimism a form of self-delusion?
As children we are taught by our parents to always look on the bright side, to expect that great things are going to happen and to always believe in wonder, beauty and love. But, slowly as the disappointments keep piling up, whether it be failing that test you studied so hard for or perhaps realising the boy you loved so much never really loved you back, you start to wonder, why bother to hope? Is it because we need faith that things can always be better? Why can't we accept that things are just "meh" - ok, not great but not offensive?
I decided to give optimism a red hot go recently in the romantic sense. I put my faith in the trusty adage, "reap what you sow" and poured my energy into something i believed in. Not something (or rather, someone) perfect but something i hoped would eventually come close enough. Uncharacteristically optimistic, I ignored the negative signs along the way and persisted. I stuck my head in the sand and lied to myself. Why? Because hard work and patience should eventually prevail. Right? Not right. Very, very wrong.
Perhaps our teachers and parents should tell us "don't bother trying - there is always going to be someone better than you, someone who will screw you over, cheat on you, lie and steal". I often wonder whether I would be more satisfied if I was not brought up to always aim for highest bar. Had we not grown up swathed in cotton wool and our parents' watchful eyes perhaps we would not strive for what may always remain unattainable.
I am that age where marriage, extended families and yes, even babies are fact. Somewhere i missed that boat. Even as the other facets of my life are thriving i feel like I am missing out on a great secret that everyone else knows except for me. I date and sometimes I feel hollow and stupid. Occasionally though i share some beautiful moments with a sweet person, fall in love and have my heart broken. I cry and then laugh at my misspent energies - how a smart woman can still act like such a little girl? And yet time after time, i still pick myself up, dust myself off and then bang my head against the wall again. Over and Over. Why? Because even after all the hurt and sadness, I still believe that it will happen to me. Patience, persistence, hard work. Optimism.
Songs of the day:
Sia- Little Black Sandals
Ran Danker - Mi Bechlomech
Beck - Lost Cause
Emilana Torrini - Heartstopper
As children we are taught by our parents to always look on the bright side, to expect that great things are going to happen and to always believe in wonder, beauty and love. But, slowly as the disappointments keep piling up, whether it be failing that test you studied so hard for or perhaps realising the boy you loved so much never really loved you back, you start to wonder, why bother to hope? Is it because we need faith that things can always be better? Why can't we accept that things are just "meh" - ok, not great but not offensive?
I decided to give optimism a red hot go recently in the romantic sense. I put my faith in the trusty adage, "reap what you sow" and poured my energy into something i believed in. Not something (or rather, someone) perfect but something i hoped would eventually come close enough. Uncharacteristically optimistic, I ignored the negative signs along the way and persisted. I stuck my head in the sand and lied to myself. Why? Because hard work and patience should eventually prevail. Right? Not right. Very, very wrong.
Perhaps our teachers and parents should tell us "don't bother trying - there is always going to be someone better than you, someone who will screw you over, cheat on you, lie and steal". I often wonder whether I would be more satisfied if I was not brought up to always aim for highest bar. Had we not grown up swathed in cotton wool and our parents' watchful eyes perhaps we would not strive for what may always remain unattainable.
I am that age where marriage, extended families and yes, even babies are fact. Somewhere i missed that boat. Even as the other facets of my life are thriving i feel like I am missing out on a great secret that everyone else knows except for me. I date and sometimes I feel hollow and stupid. Occasionally though i share some beautiful moments with a sweet person, fall in love and have my heart broken. I cry and then laugh at my misspent energies - how a smart woman can still act like such a little girl? And yet time after time, i still pick myself up, dust myself off and then bang my head against the wall again. Over and Over. Why? Because even after all the hurt and sadness, I still believe that it will happen to me. Patience, persistence, hard work. Optimism.
Songs of the day:
Sia- Little Black Sandals
Ran Danker - Mi Bechlomech
Beck - Lost Cause
Emilana Torrini - Heartstopper
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